Do you get it?

Last night I had a little freak-out and unfortuntely the victim was a friend of mine. And to let you get a sense of where I am at right now, here let me paint you a scenario. I get 5 hrs of sleep a day, I start my day at 5:30AM, busting my ass is an understatement to my morning routine, I go to class afterwards, where I tend to fall asleep in or not pay attention fully yet I sit thru the torturous monochrome lectures, I come home to attempt to do more work – which ends in me being unsuccesful, at the end of the day I arrange a list of things to be done the next day, and I manage to fall asleep at around 11. 

 

So ok you see here that my time is precious because I am too tired and too busy to get most things done on time. My mood has never been worse, my emotions are constantly leaning towards the worse. My motivation to see people and to be a social creature has dramatically dropped. And above all I can not find the time to be bored – to just pace around the house with nothing to do. 

 

Back to what I originally wanted to write about, last night my friend came over and asked why I had been ignoring them. My response was by far too open and honest and I ended up spilling to much in all the wrong ways. I told my friend that I was not playing hard to get but yet my time is very valuable and “quite frankly you are a waste of my time and energy” – exact words. So I continued with my verbal assault to beat the point to pulp. ” I feel as though we have a superficial friendship, and I don’t see you as understanding my needs, and no you are not dependable(which was met with shock)” Ooh, Ouch! Yes that was quite a burn but in my defense I despise relationships that consist of nothing by empty laughs and hollow conversations. I don’t mind to shoot the shit or make small talk with people to pass the time but I place value on the real friendships in my life. 

 

This is what I realized, that I cannot change this person, and I am unwilling to patiently wait till this person decides to evaluate the importance of keeping me intellectually stimulated. Snobbery aside, I love talking about things that get me to question or that entice me to learn more – whether it be about my friends or certain things or ideas. So it came down to me not willing to waste my energy entertaining someone who does not share my interest in exploring and being spontaneous. Who does not understand my quirkiness - and thus who does not allow for me to be quirky.

 

Yet the verbal diarrhea that I spewed(sorry for the visual) onto my friend while trying to explain this concept led to me losing a friend. My fiend could not understand why I was shutting them out of my life so carelessly and I could not understand how I could say those things out-loud and yet not believe them.

And yet while I may regret my actions, I can’t be anything but honest to myself. I should have acted more reasonably but again I am under stress, my mood is already in the gutter and my emotions are taking a life of their own. And the only thing that keeps running thru my mind is that fact that I always fuck things up. I always fuck up.

 

I already tried apologizing but got no response. I feel like I want to plead with this person to not take anything I said seriously but I cannot take back anything I said in a serious tone.